Where I am, How I Got Here, Where I Want to Be

BJ would be proud of me. I sit at my desk, looking out the window, and staring at his Forever Christmas Tree. I feel hopeful that I can get my derailed train back on track. With life comes the joy of a bright future, devastation after the loss of a loved one (or many loved ones), and the “silver years”. I had my first visit with my new Wellness Coach this morning. We discussed where I am in life, how I got here, and where I want to be.

Where I am in life is simple: I am stuck! Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am not stuck in a place without movement or a place without growth. I have plenty of that; sometimes more “growth” than I would like (referencing weight here people!). I have felt off track for a while now; not just since losing BJ but since I lost myself in Fibromyalgia several years ago. All I wanted was the “old Peggy” back and when I was healed I felt like myself again and yet different. Life’s obstacles have a way of changing us; not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and socially too! I feel stuck because I know what I need to do and what I want to do, but they are not aligning with what I am doing. I have the desire, but not the ambition or energy. Most days I feel accomplished if I just get up, get dressed, get Dillon to school, and work…do my daily things. But in my mind, that is not enough for me. I want to devote time to my wellness: a better diet, get up and move more, get out of the house more, make the phone calls to people I want to check in on (instead of just think about them), and be healthy. My family needs me, they need me healthy, and they need me alive…literally! This is where I am in life.

How I got here might not be as simple. It took years of hard work and years of putting others first and ignoring me and my needs. And, it has taken years of loss…much loss and I need to recognize that as a whole not individualized. What does that look like? Well, in 1998 my 18 year marriage began to crumble around me. We were high school sweethearts, best friends, and did our best parenting together. Divorce doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to disconnect from each other. One person might be already emotionally checked out of the marriage whilst the other is hanging on for dear life. The one hanging on usually needs to find their own way to disconnect before they fully separate emotionally from the other. And then…begins the actual divorce, the paperwork, the proceedings, the money…yes, it costs money! Money you may not have, but yet this is happening so you have to pull yourself together emotionally so you can get yourself together financially. As the divorce was ensuing, BJ was a young man and with that came obstacles of his own. He made some poor life choices that landed him for a brief stay in “The State Hotel” for a few months. For him it was eye opening, scary, and life changing. For me it was heartbreaking, emotional, and scary. Our family never left his side. We visited him, I had many phone calls with him, I encouraged him…we never left his side. My reward was hearing him say, “You are my rock, mom. Thank you.”  We laid my mother to rest in 2002, I became a single parent at 41 years old in 2004, we laid my father to rest in 2006, I began my 5-year debilitating battle with Fibromyalgia in 2006, I helped one of my older boys through a divorce of his own in 2012-2013, we lost Dillon’s father in 2014, we lost Uncle Jack in 2015, we lost BJ in 2016, and we lost my oldest brother in 2017. That is how I got here.

Where I want to be is simple and yet complicated at the same time. I know where I want to be, how I want to be, and even know what I need to do. My being is broken and that is the obstacle. It’s not just my heart that is broken. My spirit is broken. I am broken emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically. It’s hard to put me back together because I know that I am different than I once was and I have a tendency to help others before I help myself.  I want to be healthy and for me that means: emotionally ready to continue through this journey of grief, mentally prepared to not give up on myself  or my desires, physically ready to do the work I desire to do to eat with more wholesomeness and get up and move around more. I have all these wonderfully creative ideas and crafts I want to do; I buy the supplies and they often sit aside undone. I desire to change that. I desire to get out of the house more and be more social. I desire to be healthy. This is where I want to be.

About forty minutes into my wellness session, when I was finished telling her all of the above about me, she looked at me and she understood why I was in her office. It wasn’t to be fixed or be told what to do. She asked me if she could write me a prescription, have me come back, and hold me accountable during this process. She was almost giddy as she wrote my prescription; she said it is one of her favorite parts of the appointment because it means we have set some goals in a short amount of time. My prescription can’t be filled at the pharmacy; it will hang on my message board. It reads: Eat more wholesome foods, use your Fitbit - get up every hour, and walk 5,000 steps a day. These are goals we agreed together…after she smiled and told me, “I see a woman with great strength and a peaceful glow sitting in front of me. You have been through years of loss and are doing great through it all. You inspire me.” I honestly didn’t see that coming, but I know BJ would be proud of me, where I am, and where I want to be.

If you are in a similar place; for any reason at all, reach out to someone, write down your feelings, don't give up. She also told me that one of the best things a person can do for themselves is to write down there feelings; it is very therapeutic and I can testify to that. This blog is my corner of loss, a place to release my feelings (good and bad) without judgement, and a place for others to feel hope, love, and that they are not alone. Today is December 1, 2017; the first day of the final month of the year. In a few short weeks we will start a fresh new year and we will log another year of memories for future reference.