For A Better Day

Sometimes, it's the little things that are keeping us from the blessing - a little bitterness, a little compromise. It’s time to get rid of the little things. Joel Olsteen

Truth be told, this past Sunday is the first Sunday I have made it through a church service without crying since BJ died. In fact, I haven’t been inside the church nearly enough this last year and can count the times on one, maybe two hands. Sometimes it’s easier to attend from the sofa, in my jammies, with a cup of coffee in hand. Sometimes it was easier to get up from the sermon when I felt myself getting emotional, instead of letting the tears flow. I can do that in my own home. Watching Church is easy. “Doing” Church has been the challenge. And, sometimes it’s easier to wake up late, feel achy, have other things to do than it is to “do” Church. I won’t lie; I prayed for God to help me make it through the day without tears. Prayers answered, blessing received.

The little thing keeping me from my blessing – grief. Which really isn’t a little thing at all, but it was enough to keep me from “doing” Church which in turn keeps me from my blessing. The blessing of unity, love, peace, giving, and receiving…receiving God’s love, peace, and word…receiving love from others. I want to be blessed which means I need to quit standing in my own way so that I can receive all of my blessings rather than just some of them. Even though I can’t “get rid of” the little thing; in my case…grief, I can walk through it with God’s guidance, help, and love.

I often get asked two questions: 1. How are you doing? 2. Where do you find your strength? Sometimes the later comes as a statement rather than a question: You are a strong woman. 

How am I doing? I'm doing better. I still do life one day at a time, one thought at a time, and one memory at a time. I still focus on "what's next"; meaning what is the next thing on my calendar? What do I have coming up in the next couple of weeks? My business life I have to plan many months in advance because event planning takes months to execute. My personal life I plan the here and now, so totally the opposite and right now that is where I am finding my balance. Every day is good, some days are better.

Art by Dillon

Where do I find my strength? My immediate answer is God, without a doubt. My more in depth response is my understanding of the cycle of life and knowing where my son is, where my parents are, where Dillon's dad is; where those that have gone first are. And also knowing we will be together again someday. My heart breaks every time I think of BJ and that he is no longer on earth with us, but there is a ray of sunshine that lives in my heart; his place in my heart and that will never diminish. He would not want us sad in our life because he was denied a longer earthly life. He also knew we were only here until we weren't and that kept him living in the moment…fearless…"living the dream", as we would often hear him say; sometimes with sarcasm.  As I walk in grief, alongside my thirteen year old son, I am amazed by his strength as well. Within two short years, he lost his dad and his big brother. Dillon has a deep understanding of life, where they are now, and he will be with them again one day. And, I honestly think his deep rooted relationship with Jesus is what has given him strength. Together we walk this journey together. Together we have memories of wonderful people who are now are angels. Together we have knowledge of one day being reunited. God is good!