Tis The Season

Tis the season to be jolly

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 

Let’s face it; some of you are not feeling “jolly” which means happy and cheerful. Last year I certainly did not. I had recently lost my son and some days were down right unbearable. This year I am doing better, but some are not. Some people are experiencing their first Christmas without their child, spouse, uncle, auntie, etc. My heart breaks for them; because I know that pain. The pain of one less person to celebrate with, one less person at your table, one less gift to purchase, one less person period. It is an awful feeling, it is all consuming, and it takes everything you have to make it through one moment of one day. Every little thing reminds you in some way of that person that is no longer by your side, at the other end of the phone, or hugging you upon their arrival from across the mountain. You will sit and stare into space with thoughts of them filling your head and heart while tears are dripping down your face and you have a hollow feeling that moves to your throat as you try to catch your breath and just get through that moment. That moment, that one little moment; not even the day you still need to get through. I still have those moments, but they come less often, and they hurt a little less. Now my moments have shifted to a place of peaceful memories, loving thoughts, still tears that fall, but the lump in my throat isn’t there as often. The tears can still be uncontrollable and extremely painful, but the vision of BJ’s face and his infectious smile more often consume me than the heartache of his nonphysical self being present by our side or at our table. Instead of gifts purchased for him once or twice a year; I dedicate one or two days to him every single week; Tuesday and Forget YOU Not Friday. My gift is his memory and it carries on through his dad and me, his brothers, his nieces and nephews, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, his grandparents, his friends, and his single most precious gift he gave the world…his beautiful and spunky little girl – Cheyenne Leilani.  It’s impossible to look at his family and not see him; his smile, his “nose”, his humor, his personality…him, he’s all around us.

BJ the Dancing Tree

Oh, yes he would!