Nothing Profound Here

Sometimes I feel like I should find something profound to say. Something that will make a difference in someone's life. But all I have are my feelings and my daily walk through grief. Some days are good, some days are great, and some days are just ok. But every day I get up and many days I am now actually enjoying again.  I have been sharing my journey with you for three months now and it is the best thing I have done for myself, to help me with the loss of the unthinkable…my child. Just writing my feelings down; sometimes shallow…sometimes deep…it helps me tremendously. I believe it is just the act of releasing them. No longer keeping them inside.  Sitting here writing about BJ, about this journey, crying, and wondering how to get the next few words out. Well, it's my way of keeping sane. It's my way of coping with the reality of this loss.

BJ, sometimes I miss you so much that I sit here in my living room staring out at your Forever Christmas Tree and a little bit more of the reality settles in. You're not going to "pop in" ever again. I'm not going to ever get another text from you. And, I certainly wish people would quit hacking your email accounts because when I get an email that says from "BJ McCormick" it breaks my heart a little bit more. And, then I read the subject "GET RID OF THE FAT" and I laugh out loud. I have no idea why. I guess so I don't go crazy. I know you would NEVER send me an email that said that! But, if I told you your email was hacked and what the subject was we would laugh, so I laugh for us. And, then I move on. I just miss you so.

It's all those stupid little things that we, as humans, program ourselves to take for granted. It's those little things that I can no longer take for granted. Every single moment is special to me. Every conversation with my sons, every hug from a grandchild, everything…it's all special now. I wish people knew that about death. If you've never lost a loved one; you have no idea and how could you? You haven't felt it yet. If you have experienced death then you do understand about grief. But unless you lose a child, unless you are part of the group I never wanted to be part of, you have absolutely no idea of the monster we deal with every day. And, again, how could you? If you are part of this horrific group, you are not alone. There are lots of us. Do whatever you need to do today to get yourself through the day and remember you are worth it. Don't be sad that you still have life that your loved one was denied. If your loved one is anything like my BJ, they would want you to keep living. If you are keeping your feelings inside…write them down, read them a couple of times, and then toss them away. Release them. It's ok. They'll come back and when they do you will handle them a bit better each time. Write every day, write once a week, write whenever the feelings hit you…or don't. I know it helps me and it might help you.

Remember…get up, get dressed...each day and know you are not alone and you are loved.