Such A Good Life

As I was "sharing" a post on Facebook from two years ago when Dillon and I were in California…I wrote these words…I am blessed with such a good life, such good sons, and so many great memories! And, as I am about to write "I wouldn't change it for anything in the world"…which I wouldn't…I am filling up with tears. Tears…because I would give a hundred future days for just one more day with BJ. Just one more day to spend entirely with him, hearing his voice, listening to his laughter, hugging him until he says "mom, what's up? I'm not going anywhere!" One more day…

I know I have eternity with him, but that does not take away the pain now, right in this instance, right when I am sharing a post, on Facebook, of a spectacular time...a moment that brought me back to wonderful memories. A moment, that is gone as quick as it was here. A moment that is replaced with grief. That awful churning in my stomach. As quick as I was induced reliving my California vacation, the tears began flowing because I am consumed with grief. If overtakes my being, my body, and I am like a helpless baby crying to get out of their crib. Sometimes crying uncontrollably because the pain has made a home within me and will reside there, in some capacity, for the rest of my time on earth. I have no control over when it will jump into action and take over an otherwise normal day. In the past, I've learned to suppress my feelings of grief and release them when I am alone. I no longer have that luxury. My son died and losing a child is a grief that cannot be suppressed, it is a beast that cannot be controlled…so, I don't even try anymore. If it happens, it happens. If I have people around me, I only hope that they have compassion and will just give me a hug, let me know I am loved…until it passes. If I am around someone that doesn't know how to do that, that is ok too. Not everyone knows grief. Not everyone has been shook to their core. Not everyone has lost a child. For Heaven's sake not everyone has even lost someone and they have no idea how horrible grief is. I didn't until I was nearly 40 when I lost my mom. Can you imagine going to your parents funeral and being the only sibling there without a "mate"? I had recently been through a divorce, the loss of nearly a 20 year marriage; which carries grieving of its own. Here I was, at my mother's funeral, surrounded by my 7 siblings…all whom had a spouse or significant other there, to comfort them, to hold them up. I did not, but I was special that day. I had my two sons to comfort me, to hold me up, to share in my grief, to let me know it was ok to express my feelings of loss. I also had a lot of friends that carried me through that day, that time. I am blessed to be surrounded by love, especially on this journey of grief.

I am not "lost" in grief. I know I have such a good life, such good sons, such good friends, and such amazing memories.