The First Year

A year ago tonight at 10:45 pm they say you took your last breath, but for all reasonable purposes that was when your death was recorded. I, for other reasons, believe something significant happened 11 minutes earlier…at 10:34 pm. I haven’t shared this with many people, but for my youngest son and me it was a significant moment in the chain of events that dreadful night. Dillon was abruptly woken at 10:34 pm and came to my room. He said he had a bad dream and was scared, but didn’t know why. It was hours later that we fully understood what had happened; after I told him that his oldest brother was in an accident and was no longer with us. Even hours after I had to tell him BJ was gone… that was when he told me why he woke the night before. He had a dream, or vision, while he was fast asleep of a white pickup truck going off the road, rolling over, and someone walking away. When he woke he did not know what it all meant; he was just scared and wanted mom. Those were the events that happened that night; in a nutshell, and whether it was the moment the accident occurred, the moment my oldest son took his last breath, or another significant moment…we will never know, but it was something.

This past year has had many moments, many emotions, and many reflections. It all comes down to one word…GRIEF. We are all grieving the loss of a wonderful person, my son, my oldest baby, our BJ. It is gut wrenching, it is tearful, it is heartbreaking, and so many miss him in so many ways and for so many reasons…but none of us miss him more than his baby girl; his sweet Cheyenne. My heartache does not even compare to hers, my loss is not as great as hers, and yet my heart aches every single minute of every single day.

One year ago my life changed forever, I changed forever, and the lives of those that love you changed forever. As much heartbreak as I feel personally, I feel as much heartbreak for each of his friends that miss him, for each of his family that miss him, and for his baby girl that misses him and will miss out on having her daddy with her as she continues to grow into a wonderful and strong young woman. I cry immensely at this loss and the impact it has on so many people. I cry wondering how I have endured such pain, how I have managed to get through this past year, and how I will get through this day. BJ, I miss you so much sometimes I want to curl up into a ball and just cry until there are no more tears. I miss you so much I can’t stand it. I cry knowing I can’t call you, I can’t hug you, and I can’t tell you how much I love you. I want you back and I’m angry that you were taken from me when you were so young. I feel selfish when I should feel grateful. Grateful that I had you, grateful that you were my son, grateful that God chose me to be your mother, grateful that you were with me for 35 years, 5 months, 4 days, and some six odd hours. But somehow I only feel heartbroken that you are gone, that you were taken from me, and that I don’t have more time with you. I shed so many tears I wonder if they’ll ever run out. I want to wake up tomorrow and answer the phone only to hear your voice on the other end and feel this was only a dream, but after this much time I know that isn’t going to happen. I know one day I’ll be with you again, but I want you to be with us here now…I know, I am selfish.

Today’s post, the first anniversary of losing my precious son, his 1st Birthday in Heaven, is dedicated to all those that he loved and all that loved him; especially his daughter Cheyenne, his brothers Bryan and Dillon, his dad and me. Thank you for loving our BJ and thank you for loving us this past year and being a source of comfort and friendship. We love you as he loved you.